Surrending to my Muck

I am raising ungrateful kids . . .
{Or at least that’s what my thoughts are telling me.}

I know, what an awful thing to say . . and I am sure some of you are thinking what an awful mom I am {believe me, nothing you could say to me, I haven’t already heard from my own crappy mind chatter!}

Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys FIERCELY, they are amazing human beings who I am convinced, will change the world . . . BUT . . .

This is what I am feeling and where I am right now . . . my kids are ungrateful, and it just really sucks.

I am mad at my kids.
I am pissed at myself.
I am frustrated with my husband.
I am mortified, embarrassed, ashamed.

My stomach hurts, my brain is fuzzy, I’m craving salty foods, I’m too grumpy to exercise, and I literally woke up this morning with a PAIN IN MY NECK!

Despite the bazillion parenting books I buy, read, highlight, and take notes from.

Despite the clever “mom” blogs I comment on while appreciating my awesome kids.

Despite the endless parenting related magazine articles I rip out and file away.

Despite the Parenting Class I just dropped $150 bucks on.

Despite the 3 ring binder in my kitchen labeled “Awesome Parenting Ideas.”

Despite ALL of my BEST intentions . . . my kids are ungrateful! {cringe}

I have tried a “Gratitude Drop Jar,” an Appreciation Board, “Out Loud” appreciations at the dinner table, donations to water shares in Africa, chickens and goats in Peru, I have modeled daily appreciation and gratitude, blah blah blah . . . nothing sticks!

They’ve got it all . . .

healthy food
warm shelter
iphones
snowboards
new hip hop shoes
healthcare
freedom
cozy beds
life experiences
love
clean laundry

. . . and they don’t seem to appreciate one damn thing.

SO NOW WHAT??????

I am tired of my stomach being in knots and my head throbbing . . . it’s been a long 48 hours since this whole thing blew up in my face, and I am ready to be done with it and move on!

That’s just it though, sometimes you can’t just “move on.”
This crap can’t be rushed.
{And believe me . . . I am a rusher and a fixer! I want it all “fixed” yesterday, moved on, and feeling “fine” today!}

Sometimes {well, really, most of the time} we must sit right in the middle of all our Muck, mind chatter and stomachaches in order to make it out the other side with more strength, clarity, love, gratitude . . . whatever it is that you desire.

As hard as this is for me . . . I am choosing to surrender to my Muck.

I am taking care of MYSELF: showered, hair “done,” wearing my favorite pair of jeans, iced coffee in hand, warm and comfy home office to do my work, managed to get to spin class this morning, fresh flowers on my desk.

I am ALLOWING the crappy feelings around all the painful thoughts I have about my “ungrateful” kids to come and sit next to me for awhile . . . embracing the frustration, the embarrassment, the anger, the hopelessness.

I am ACCEPTING the uncertainty of what will happen next, leaning into the unknown.

I am resisting the URGE to push, pull, kick, scream, rant against my Muck, staying still and present . . . focusing my attention on what is happening right now!

And as I surrender to my Muck . . . I really do begin to feel clearer and cleaner.

The pain in my neck is GONE! {didn’t see that coming}
My painful thoughts around what “being grateful” SHOULD look like begin to dissolve.
Wise words pop into my mind like . . .
“It’s really none of my business how my kids show their gratitude.”
“It’s not my job to “fix” this.”
“The way I embody gratitude is different than any one else, even my kids!”
“Stop worrying, everything is going to be fine.”{That was the Goddess Guidance card, I picked this morning as I sat down to finish this blog} Seriously??

So I focus on how I feel . . . my mind chatter quiets, my stomachache is gone, my brain is sharp, my neck is feelin’ gooood, and I am craving a green smoothie!

Do I have it all figured out? Nope.
Is it fixed? Nope.
Do I know what the hell to do next? Not a clue!!

Yet . . . this is what I woke up to posted on our Family Appreciation Board this morning: “I apreciate the gravy mom made last night.” -Sam

. . . It’s a start!!!

Welcome your Muck.
Sit with it.
Embrace your crappy feelings and painful thoughts.
Surrender.
You WILL eventually make it out to the other beautiful side.