It’s official . . . we’ve made the leap into the homeschooling world (gulp)!

My 13 year old son Sam is now completing a “self directed home study program” (usually in his underwear) . . . and despite my fears, pretty much thriving.

We are in it . . . smack dab in the middle of decimals and percentages, the use of indefinite pronouns, The Russian Revolution, and how to make slime while learning about polymers.

WTF . . . what did we just do!!

YUP . . . despite the excitement, thrill and challenge of leaping into the world of homeschooling , fear is talking, and it has a REALLY loud voice.

“I’m not smart enough to homeschool Sam.”
“I don’t WANT to be his teacher.”
“We will drive each other crazy.”
“He’ll just sit around and watch episodes of Portlandia and play with fire all day.”
“I’m not smart enough to homeschool.” (worth mentioning again . . . HUGE fear)
“He won’t pass 7th grade.”
“I am going to screw this up AND screw Sam up.”

My fears are loud and very bossy . . . they tell me to hold on tighter, to grasp at control, to question my inner wisdom.

Yet something quieter and gentler is telling me to let go, and for some reason (I’m NOT going to question it) I am listening.

This is what “letting go” is whispering . . .

relax my grasp
exhale
be ok with imperfection
invite uncertainty
trust my inner wisdom

And when I let go of the shoulds, the hows, the whats, and the WTF . . . this is what our homeschooling journey has looked like lately. . .

Sam is actually completing his weekly “tasks” and enjoying what he is learning.

Our energy is much different together when it’s just the two of us, and I love his company.

He reads his math book for fun.

I am more relaxed, creative, AND productive.

He stays up late with his flashlight so he can finish George Orwell’s Animal Farm.

The more I keep my mouth shut, the better he does.

He loves to do his work in bed with our dog Kate by his side (she is thrilled).

He is laughing again.

I KNOW we don’t have this homeschooling thing all figured out.
There will be bumps and mistakes and I am sure things will get messy.
Fear will come to visit and try to push me around . . . and I will question “letting go.”

But then I hear Sam laugh as he calls out, “Hey mom, listen to this cool science fact I just learned on Brainpop.com!” and I know for sure that “letting go” is exactly what we both need.

relax my grasp
exhale
be ok with imperfection
invite uncertainty
trust my inner wisdom

Now it’s your turn . . .

{finding connections anyway I can}

Sometimes {Ok, I’ll admit . . . most of the time} I struggle connecting with my two boys.

I’m attached to what I think “connecting with my boys” should look like . . .

Friday night dance parties.
{those stopped when Sam realized he was really good at dancing}
Board games where no ones feelings get hurt.
{yeah right}
Deep conversations while driving in the car.
{damn ear buds}
Filling me in about their day while enjoying a homemade snack.
{boys don’t talk . . . sigh}
Long hours playing UNO . . . laughing, sharing, relaxing.
{it’s usually me who gets bored with this first}
Eating dinner together for longer than 10 minutes.
{hungry boys eat fast}

I ADORE my boys . . . and honestly LOVE spending time with them, they are really cool human beings!

But I still struggle with what our “spending time together” looks like . . .

Is it enough?
Is it the right way?
Am I a good mom?
Maybe a new board game will help?
Am I interesting enough?
What else can I do?
Are they bored with me?

None of these questions help . . . trust me . . . I’ve been asking the same damn questions for years!

What I am finally figuring out . . . is that the more I RELAX and DETACH from what I THINK my connection with my boys “should” look like . . . the more connected I FEEL to my two boys! BAM!

Let me say that again . . . relax – detach – feel more connected!!!

This hasn’t come easy for me.
It’s hard to detach from the “shoulds!”
So I practice . . . every single day.
I am working on finding connections in the “little things” . . .

A passing hug in the kitchen before dinner.
Sam sharing something he read on StumbleUpon.
Sitting next to Jacob on the couch while he is playing Xbox.
My boys saying “I love you” at random moments.
Being open to a chat in their beds late night, with the lights off.
Sam letting me hold his hand while driving in the car.
Being willing to sit shot gun in my PJ’s while Jacob practices driving at 9:00pm.
A shared laugh and high five as we run out the door to school in the morning.

With this awareness, our connections are way more relaxed, organic, easy.

Sometimes a bit unconventional, and not necessarily how I want to connect . . . but I’m working on that!

I am keeping an open mind, letting go of my “shoulds” and enjoying my boys anyway I can get them!

So . . . when I was driving my son Sam to dance class this afternoon and he said, “Bleach or Unplugged” and I actually KNEW what he was asking . . . instant connection!

I picked “Unplugged” and we listened to “Nirvana’s MTV Unplugged Album” {LOUDLY} all the way to dance class . . . together AND connected!

My 12 year old walks into our bedroom at 9:18 pm,
shoulders slumped eyes red from crying.

He doesn’t say a word . . . just crawls into bed, gets close enough so I can put my arm around him, but keeps his face buried in the covers.

All I could think about was my alarm going off at 5 am the next morning.
I am not going to get enough sleep.
6 am spin class is gonna suck.
I will be exhausted all day.
I won’t cross off my entire “to do” list.
Blah blah blah.

Then I smell him.
Underneath that sticky and unwashed skin {a tween, not so keen on daily showers}
I get a whiff of his baby smell. Just a very faint whiff.
But it’s enough to bring me right to the present moment.
Right where I am supposed to be, for myself . . .
and for him.

I exhale.
I smell him again.
I kiss the back of his neck.
I squeeze him a bit tighter.
My shoulders relax.
His shoulders relax.
His breathing slows down.
And we both just “be.”

10 minutes later he decides to go to sleep, and heads to his own bed.
The only words spoken are “Good night, I love you.”
And he’s gone . . . 9:28 pm.
Still time to get 7 1/2 hours sleep.

My 14 year old is in the kitchen studying for a geometry test.
I text him: “Goodnight, I love you, don’t stay up too late!”
He texts back: “I’ll be right up.”
I think to myself: “So sweet, he wants to say goodnight in person.”

But he has other plans . . .

He walks into our bedroom at 9:31 pm.
I have turned off the light, but he easily finds my side of the bed and collapses next to me, arm flung across my chest.
It’s dark, and his face is turned away . . . this feels safe to him, so he breaks down.

“I always feel so busy.”
“School is boring.”
“I am stressed out about my geometry test.”
“School is hard.”
“Life sucks sometimes.”

I don’t move, I don’t talk, I don’t try to fix it.
I just “be.”
I feel the weight of his arm.
I feel the softness of his flannel shirt.
I feel my breathing slow down.
I feel his breathing slow down.
His arm relaxes.
His head settles into the pillow.

We just stay there in the present moment, together.
I am right where I am supposed to be, for myself . . .
and for him.

He gets up to say goodnight and finish his homework.
9:40 pm.

I didn’t “fix” a thing for either of my boys . . . but that’s ok.
Staying in the present moment and just “being” together . . . is all we needed.

And the next day . . . we all kick butt!!

Exhale . . . and just “be.”

Riding out your Bumpy Road

My eleven year old son Sam has had a “bumpy” school year, to say the least.
Let’s be honest here . . . Sam has had a bumpy school CAREER!

He’s not a trouble maker {I don’t even think he knows where the principal’s office is}.
He completes his assignments {enough to get by}.
He is well liked by his teachers {who are awesome by the way} and peers {he has a lot of friends}.

He just doesn’t fit the “mold.”

He calls his middle school “prison.” He thinks it’s a waste of time. He struggles to stay engaged and focused on information that he really doesn’t give a shit about. He begs to be home schooled on a regular basis. {sigh}

I could sit here and feel like a horrible mom for forcing him to go to “prison” everyday. I could feel guilty for not being willing or confident enough at the moment to take the leap into the home schooling world.
I could get frustrated at Sam because he doesn’t fit that damn “mold.”

Been there, done that . . . many times . . . and it just made Sam’s life and my life bumpier. {another long sigh}

So screw the guilt, frustration and horribleness . . . I am now focusing on what I can do to support Sam and empower him to ride out this bumpy road.

The mantra that is kicking my butt lately {in a good way} comes from “Cathedral of the Wild” by Boyd Varty . . . and I think it’s perfect for Sam and his bumpy road.

Know your truth.
Stick to the process.
Be free of the outcome.

Know your truth . . .
Yep, school sucks and it feels like a prison. Allow it, don’t fight it. Continue to search for things that DO interest you and do more of those {in school and out}. Be grateful you have found your authentic self and passion for dance and music . . . that is your truth, use that to ride out this bumpiness.

Stick to the process . . .
Hang in there, don’t give up. Know that we love you and are here holding a safe space for you. Trust the Universe and the journey that you are on . . . sometimes it will be bumpy but sometimes it will be smooth . . . make sure to appreciate both, there is always something to learn.

Be free of the outcome . . .
Live in this moment, the future is totally uncertain and out of your control. Don’t be attached to how you think you should turn out to be. You are just right, in this moment . . . an amazingly intelligent, witty, talented, and sensitive person who gives the best hugs, constantly teaches me new facts, and still loves to cuddle at night.

You are safe . . . you are supported . . . you are loved.

What is your bumpy road?
How have you been “riding it out?”
Is it working for you?

This will help . . .

Know your truth.
Stick to the process.
Be free of the outcome.

I am raising ungrateful kids . . .
{Or at least that’s what my thoughts are telling me.}

I know, what an awful thing to say . . and I am sure some of you are thinking what an awful mom I am {believe me, nothing you could say to me, I haven’t already heard from my own crappy mind chatter!}

Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys FIERCELY, they are amazing human beings who I am convinced, will change the world . . . BUT . . .

This is what I am feeling and where I am right now . . . my kids are ungrateful, and it just really sucks.

I am mad at my kids.
I am pissed at myself.
I am frustrated with my husband.
I am mortified, embarrassed, ashamed.

My stomach hurts, my brain is fuzzy, I’m craving salty foods, I’m too grumpy to exercise, and I literally woke up this morning with a PAIN IN MY NECK!

Despite the bazillion parenting books I buy, read, highlight, and take notes from.

Despite the clever “mom” blogs I comment on while appreciating my awesome kids.

Despite the endless parenting related magazine articles I rip out and file away.

Despite the Parenting Class I just dropped $150 bucks on.

Despite the 3 ring binder in my kitchen labeled “Awesome Parenting Ideas.”

Despite ALL of my BEST intentions . . . my kids are ungrateful! {cringe}

I have tried a “Gratitude Drop Jar,” an Appreciation Board, “Out Loud” appreciations at the dinner table, donations to water shares in Africa, chickens and goats in Peru, I have modeled daily appreciation and gratitude, blah blah blah . . . nothing sticks!

They’ve got it all . . .

healthy food
warm shelter
iphones
snowboards
new hip hop shoes
healthcare
freedom
cozy beds
life experiences
love
clean laundry

. . . and they don’t seem to appreciate one damn thing.

SO NOW WHAT??????

I am tired of my stomach being in knots and my head throbbing . . . it’s been a long 48 hours since this whole thing blew up in my face, and I am ready to be done with it and move on!

That’s just it though, sometimes you can’t just “move on.”
This crap can’t be rushed.
{And believe me . . . I am a rusher and a fixer! I want it all “fixed” yesterday, moved on, and feeling “fine” today!}

Sometimes {well, really, most of the time} we must sit right in the middle of all our Muck, mind chatter and stomachaches in order to make it out the other side with more strength, clarity, love, gratitude . . . whatever it is that you desire.

As hard as this is for me . . . I am choosing to surrender to my Muck.

I am taking care of MYSELF: showered, hair “done,” wearing my favorite pair of jeans, iced coffee in hand, warm and comfy home office to do my work, managed to get to spin class this morning, fresh flowers on my desk.

I am ALLOWING the crappy feelings around all the painful thoughts I have about my “ungrateful” kids to come and sit next to me for awhile . . . embracing the frustration, the embarrassment, the anger, the hopelessness.

I am ACCEPTING the uncertainty of what will happen next, leaning into the unknown.

I am resisting the URGE to push, pull, kick, scream, rant against my Muck, staying still and present . . . focusing my attention on what is happening right now!

And as I surrender to my Muck . . . I really do begin to feel clearer and cleaner.

The pain in my neck is GONE! {didn’t see that coming}
My painful thoughts around what “being grateful” SHOULD look like begin to dissolve.
Wise words pop into my mind like . . .
“It’s really none of my business how my kids show their gratitude.”
“It’s not my job to “fix” this.”
“The way I embody gratitude is different than any one else, even my kids!”
“Stop worrying, everything is going to be fine.”{That was the Goddess Guidance card, I picked this morning as I sat down to finish this blog} Seriously??

So I focus on how I feel . . . my mind chatter quiets, my stomachache is gone, my brain is sharp, my neck is feelin’ gooood, and I am craving a green smoothie!

Do I have it all figured out? Nope.
Is it fixed? Nope.
Do I know what the hell to do next? Not a clue!!

Yet . . . this is what I woke up to posted on our Family Appreciation Board this morning: “I apreciate the gravy mom made last night.” -Sam

. . . It’s a start!!!

Welcome your Muck.
Sit with it.
Embrace your crappy feelings and painful thoughts.
Surrender.
You WILL eventually make it out to the other beautiful side.